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Mullah Nasruddin Jokes

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1.
Nasruddin opened a booth with a sign above it: "Two Questions On Any Subject Answered For Only 100 Silver Coins." A man who had two very urgent questions handed over his money, saying:
- A hundred silver coins is rather expensive for two questions, isn't it?
- Yes, said Nasruddin, and the next question, please?
2.
Mullah Nasruddin and his neighbour were chatting. "Yesterday, I took a girl to the coke bar in the afternoon", said the neighbour, "and I paid for that. Then I took her to the drive-in for a hot dog and I paid for that. After that, I took her to a movie, and I paid for that. Then I took her to a nightclub and I paid for that. Do you think I should have kissed her goodnight, Mullah?" "No", said Nasruddin. "I think you did enough for her for one day."
3.
Mullah Nasruddin had listened to the encouragement of a friend who had touted a certain horse pretty highly. The next day, after the horse had come in last, the Mullah saw the tipster and screamed: "Brother, have I got it in for you. That horse you told me to bet on came in last." "Last?" The fellow said. "I can't understand it. He should have been able to win that race in a walk." "That's the way he tried it", said Nasruddin, "but he still came in last."
4.
One day Mullah Nasruddin visited a large department store to buy his wife some nylon hose. Inadvertently, he got caught in a mad rush at a counter where a bargain sale was going on. He soon found himself being pushed and stepped on by frantic women. He stood it as long as he could. Then with head lowered and elbows out, he plowed through the crowd. "You there!" Said a woman. "Can't you act like a gentleman?" "Not any more", said Nasruddin. "I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady."
5.
Mullah Nasruddin and his neighbour were greeting each other. "Good morning", said the Mullah. "You are looking fine this morning." "I am sorry I can't say the same thing for you", said the neighbour. "You could", said Nasruddin, "if you were as big a liar as I am."
6.
Mullah Nasruddin came home about midnight and threw himself on the couch in the living room. He woke his wife up with his clumsiness and she stuck her head out of the bedroom door and said: "Well, you finally came home. I guess you found that your home is the best place to be this time of the night." "Not exactly", said Nasruddin, "but it's the only place that's open after midnight."
7.
Mullah Nasruddin and his wife were talking about a neighbour. "I have never heard a man talk so fast in all my life", said the wife. "That ' s not surprising, " said Nasruddin. "His father was a politician and his mother was a woman. "
8.
The doctor was giving some bad news to Mullah Nasruddin about his wife. "This is a serious case", the doctor said. "I hate to tell you, but your wife's mind is gone, completely gone." "Well, I am not surprised", said Nasruddin. "She has been giving me a little piece of it everyday for fifteen years."
9.
Invited to stop for a drink with his friends following the lodge meeting, Mullah Nasruddin said he had to hurry home. "I can't stop", he said, "I have got to go home and explain to my wife." "Explain what?" One of his friends asked. "I don't know", said Nasruddin, "I am not home yet."
10.
Mullah Nasruddin fainted on the street and a crowd quickly gathered. "Give him air!" Shouted a man. "Clear the way. Hurry up someone, get him a drink!" Nasruddin's eyes fluttered open and he gasped, "please, make it a double martini."
11.
Mullah Nasruddin was talking with his neighbour over the back fence. "Was not that something", said the neighbour, "the way lucy's stove exploded last night? The explosion blew her and her husband right out of the front door into the street! " "Yes, " said the Mullah. "That's the first time they have gone out together in thirty years."
12.
Mullah Nasruddin and one of his friends were walking past the high board fence that surrounded a nudist colony. Nasruddin spotted a knothole and peeked in. "Hey", he shouted to his companion, "there's a lot of people in there." "Men or women?" Asked the friend. "I can't tell", said Nasruddin. "They don't have any clothes on."
13.
Mullah Nasruddin's wife was sitting down to breakfast one morning when she read an announcement of her own death in the newspaper. She quickly called Mullah Nasruddin who was outside the town and said: "Have you read the morning paper, Mullah? And, did you see the announcement of my death?" "Yes", said Nasruddin. "Where are you calling from?"
14.
Mullah Nasruddin had been to the state legislature. After he had spent thirty days with his fellow legislators at the state capital, he came home for a weekend. In telling his wife about it, he said: "I have discovered one thing -- it's the first insane asylum I have ever seen that's run by the inmates."
15.
Mullah Nasruddin was milking a cow, when suddenly a bull tore across the meadow toward him. The Mullah didn't move, but kept on milking. Several men, who were watching from the next field, were surprised when the bull stopped dead within a few yards of the Mullah. He then turned around and walked away. "Were you not afraid, Mullah?" Asked the men. "Of course not", replied Nasruddin. "This cow is his mother-in-law."
16.
Mullah Nasruddin was watching the youngsters put on their horse show. He said to a bystander: "It's terrible the way they dress today. Just look at that young boy with the cigarette, sloppy haircut, and tight breeches." "That is not a boy", said the other person. "It's a girl and she's my daughter." "Oh, excuse me, sir", said the Mullah. "I meant no offence. I didn't know you were her father." "I am not", said the other. "I am her mother."
17.
A preacher was being entertained at dinner and the other guests were praising his sermon. One of them turned to Mullah Nasruddin, who was at the talk, but had remained silent, and asked, "Mullah, what did you think of the sermon?" "Oh, it was all right", said Nasruddin, "only he passed up three real good places where he could have stopped."
18.
Mullah Nasruddin's wife complained bitterly to the Mullah. "I am absolutely ashamed of the way we live. Mother pays our rent. My aunt buys our clothes. My sister sends us money for food. I don't like to complain, but I am ashamed that we cannot do better than that." "You should be ashamed", said Nasruddin. "You have got two uncles that don't send us a dime."
19.
The preacher was visiting Mullah Nasruddin in the hospital, who had been injured in a fight. "I am going to pray so you will forgive your enemy for hitting you with a brick", the preacher said. "It might be better", said Nasruddin, "if you waited until I get out of here and then pray for the other fellow, sir."

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